So it is me now who is not human, it can be me.

I lost, I completely lost.

I hate people, I hate this system of power and I hate people who only care about themselves. I hate a specific yes... two people-- a pair maybe.

I found that most of the time why all they care about is themselves. I got so angry because of their comments on things, that I thought "you are not supposed to say that kind of thing, it is never about you, it is always the system, you should say things toward the system, don't publish your personal view, especially when you are privileged etc etc" while teasing them "you both can never be strategic, you two always put yourselves first" 

I hate the way these two communicate, to me it is so weird, full of drama and scolding, and envy. I asked myself "how can you that envy to each other? and say that kind of thing?" 

I felt so right to question that. Then I realise, maybe it is part of ourselves, to envy, and to be that envy. At least they are two being honest to each other. Then, everything goes well with that honesty. We can never be all the time for other people, what is true, most of the time maybe we care to other as it is once interrelated to our interests. 

 So it is me now who is not human, it can be me. be honest, that is all, mai. 

Being afraid together can be this empowering

I was majoring in natural science back in my high school period. But because I have almost zero interest to have a career in  in natural science, during the last year of my high school I took course in social science. A geography teacher (I guess), once asked the class: 

"What made you want to learn social science? You know, it is so unique. In natural science in algebra you have what variables are, for instance, x+x equals to two exes, while in social science is a completed different thing. One afraid + one afraid does not equals two afraids but It changes to bravery" 

I always remember this quote.  

And I remember that when we became human, we are two afraid humans, crying together wondering what will happen the next day, knowing we can only just try, pray and hug each other. But yes, we are not two afraid humans, we are one bravery, and empowered. 

I want us to always be humans. 

I just write

One of the methods for overcoming overthinking is by writing. I am writing right now to cope with my overthinking. I am afraid of everything that will happen, with all the things that I expected. 

Living overseas with no one accompanies you, while you also have always avoided people lately is so draining. While, the only one who you always you count in gradually becoming someone you dont know, or it is just you being denial all the time that you dont really know that "the one".

I feel lost, completely lost. I feel unwanted, but I know most of the time, I am unwanted. The only person that wants me, is me, the only one who keeps trying to live to want me. Then, what is happening right now if I am confusing how to live? 

I am afraid, even to write down what has happened to my life, is so frightening to me. I feel lost. I know not all the things were bad but I know it is not good either. I just lost, I just do not know how to fix this. 

I know and am aware that it is so likely that I am the one who made this happened. But, why along the way we can never have a chance to listen that we are all wrong and hurting each other. 

I feel lost why I can be trembling for the little unexpected things, why I am being so weak with rejections, with the refusals or simply a different opinion. 

Why can we just accept that we all need help, and it is never wrong to need help, to ask for help to say that I am lost right now, I am messed up right now. 

Gue pernah suatu ketika buat opsi untuk menuliskan semuanya dalam satu buku, I am trying to write it down, how I am being this sensitive, why it seems that most of the time things cant be handled. I have a book on that. And I know, buku itu tidak pernah akhirnya dibaca.